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hellishmess · 4 years ago

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40: The Wake of Understanding

March 6,2019 2:00 am

[Aspen]

Ana's face rests against the door frame. Puffs of breath can be seen against the glass.

Tonight went way sideways. She saw everything now. The side of us that I didn't want her to know.

She must be terrified, disgusted.

"She's going to hate me." I mutter.

"She's no stranger to death." Shay said, "She will not hate you."

I knew what he meant. Ana told me she’d killed someone in self defense. A man that tried to break into her house and rob her. She was a wreck even just reliving the memory for me.

"This is different. We sought out and killed them. She took life in self defense."

He didn't respond then.

"She will understand that they were void," Maeve added in.

Easy for them to say.

I breath in, watching as darkness speeds by us. If she decides that she can't be with me...

The thought dies. I want to wake her up and apologize. Tell her that I'll do whatever she says to make it up to her.

Can this even be made up?

The thought scared me still. Air stuck in my throat; muscles balled up.

This wasn't a fight. It's not like I forgot her birthday. I killed someone in front of her.

"Just take it one step at a time," Shay said. "She either will understand or she won't. Either way she can't tear herself away from us."

I scoff and bang my head against the window. "You're really bad at giving comforting advice."

"I'm told the effort is what counts."

I look to Maeve, "Quit lying to the vampire. It does no one any good."

She laughs, "If he tries to create a support group I'll cut him down then."

"Whatever," I huff. We're almost to my place. Quiet falls around us. My building was in view.

"I'm hungry." She says, rubbing her stomach.

"Better clean those wounds before you think about cooking anything."

Her middle finger shoots up without her even looking back. "I wouldn't have had these problems if you'd have pulled your weight."

"Fuck off. You handled them fine. I had Ana to look after."

"We're all lucky Ronan wasn't at this camp. Or we'd all be in a shit load of trouble."

She was right about that. With Lewick’s intell, we were drawing closer and closer to Ronan, and, by God, I pray that Ana is far away when we catch him.

Shay slides to a stop in the front of my building. I inhale and glance at Ana. She's still fogging up the window. I reach to nudge her, "Ana?"

"Im up," she says, her voice cold.

My gut twists at the tone in her voice.

Without a word, she gets out. With her arms wrapped around her, she walks up to my door.

I pause beside Maeve's door, unsure of how to handle this.

"It's going to be okay. Just be patient. " Maeve encouraged me forward.

My bottom lip's pressed between my teeth. "Thanks."

Climbing up the stairs towards Ana was hard. Dread drug me down and my stomach only twisted harder as I neared my door. Ana didn't turn to look at me when I opened it.

I locked it behind us, turning to see Ana with her bags in hand. She flings the bedroom door open, slinging open the drawers full of her clothes.

"Ana." I brush her arm to stop her.

She yanks away from me. "Don't touch me!"

I flinch back, giving her space while she continues to throw her things in there.

My mind starts to spin. My fear was right. I hold my hands up in peace. "Ana please."

"No," she shakes her head furiously. "I can't do this right now."

"I told you you weren’t ready. I warned you."

Ana whirls around, her eyes red from held back tears. "You're right. I should have listened to you. But I didn't and now I have to live with the understanding that my girlfriend is a killer. That my friends are killers."

I wince at the animosity of her words. "They were bad guys." I tried to reason with her. "Apart of Ronan’s crew. They weren't good people and they probably killed people themselves."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?! Dog eat dog bullshit," She hisses.

I can feel her pushing me away, see the fear in the back of her eyes. Panic rises up and clouds my judgement.

"Yes!" My voice raises and frustration flushes my body. I make a wide gesture with my hands. "The whole world's a better place without assholes like that and with them gone it's just less man power Ronan has."

"A killer of bad men is still a killer." Ana stops, practically freezes solid as she stares at me. The look in her eye turns my blood cold. "Aspen, you slaughtered those men effortlessly."

Her voice rises to the point where she's yelling, "With a flick of your wrist you killed a man, and then even without your magic, you managed to slit the throat of another right before stabbing him through the temple."

My mouths frozen shut. I can't think of anything to say. What can make this better?

Nothing comes to my rescue.

"I saw the darkness that you own and it scares the shit out of me." Ana blinks like she's clearing the memory away. "I don't think I can do this anymore."

"Please, Ana! I'd never hurt you. You know that. You know me.”

"I don't know that anymore! I'm just now meeting this part of you!"

I step towards her. "An-"

She takes two steps back. Her arm extended to keep me at bay. "No. Don't come near me."

I stare at her hand. Hurt and angry, I snap out. "I told you. I fucking told you, but you were relentless! I tried to warn you because I knew you wouldn't understand."

"What is there to understand?!" Ana cries looking at me as if she wants to be able to.

She corrects herself, "How can I understand? How am I supposed to rationalize what I just saw? How am I supposed to live knowing that my girlfriend can kill with the same amount of effort it takes me to fold laundry?!"

Swept up in her own emotions, Ana takes a step closer to me. Her tearful eyes pin mine, and my heart breaks even further.

Her lip trembles as she chokes out her next thought. "How can I let you touch me with the exact same hands you used to kill that man? If you can tell me how I'm supposed to do that then I'll stay."

I bite down on my lip. I couldn't think of anything to make this any better. My hands twitched to wipe away her tears, brush her hair back behind her ears, but the knowledge that she'd flinch away holds me back.

Instead, frustration brought my hand through my own hair, trying to control the anger that rose to protect my hurt feelings.

"Exactly." Ana mutters, returning to throwing her clothes in her bags.

"I'm sorry," The words are ripped out of my chest in a plea. "Ana, I'm sorry. Let me make this up to you? I'll do anything. Don’t do this. Please."

She snaps up at me, "This isn't something you can just make up! I can't just forget this. Don't you understand that?"

"No! I don't understand that. Just like you don't get why we had to do what we did."

"Murder is never necessary."

"Oh so what you did wasn't necessary?" The retort was out of my mouth before I knew it.

The air catches in my throat, turning solid.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"I can't believe you just said that." Ana gasps.

“I'm sorry." I rush out, "I didn't mean it. It just slipped out and I was trying to get you to understand that-"

Ana turns into the bathroom. "Just don't. Don't say another word. I'm leaving."

"Where will you go? It's dangerous out there and it's late. You can't leave." I say, watching as she shoves her shampoo and conditioner on top of all her clothes.

Ana zipped her bags with force, "Are you going to forcefully keep me here?"

I shake my head. "You know I would never do anything against your will."

"Then I'm leaving." Grabbing her bag, she heads for the door.

"Ana! At least let me escort you to wherever."

"Why? So all the other killers will know I'm already the victim of another fucking murderer?"

I stop. It's another stab. I can't fight with her anymore. "I can't see you get hurt."

"And I can't see you." Ana shoots back, her face a wobbly mask of disgust.

I retreat back into myself. Anger rises to stay, protecting the sensitive feelings that threaten to rip me apart.

"Then leave," I grit out through clenched teeth. "If I'm so disgusting and evil to you, leave. You'll see. The Otherworld is even worse than the human one and sooner or later your going to experience it first hand."

Ana swings the door open. With one foot already outside, she pauses. "I've already experienced it."

I don't get another word in. The slam of my front door signals the end of the night.

My mind tries to process everything. I stand in the middle of my living room, fuming and huffing as my eyes burn holes through the door. Foolish hope flickers through my head, thinking she'll come back. Hoping that I'll think of something to say so I can chase after her and try and convince her to stay.

Neither happen. Instead a tide of hurt and anger swallows me whole.

"Fuck!" I scream, over turning my coffee table. Things scatter and I fling off my shoes. My fingers brush against the sheaths of my blades.

I throw the one I used tonight, sinking it deep into a wooden beam in the kitchen.

Unbuckling the rest of them and letting them clang to the floor, I strip and head for the shower.

Tuning the knob to blast the hot water, I step in. Cold water takes my breath away, stinging against my skin, but I hold my body still, suppressing shivers as I think back to Ana's disgrace of me.

The water started to turn hot, continuing to heat up until it scalds my shoulders. I see the blood that stained my hands. It flakes off and runs down my tub, tinting the water pink.

Ana saw the blood. The hands of a killer.

I scrub my body vigorously, trying to feel clean. The fight left me writhing with emotion and I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I wanted to spit at the fact that I wasn't upset about the kills. I was upset at how Ana perceives me. She's disgusted of me, scared of me and whatever darkness she saw.

I hold my face under the water, closing my eyes to see the look on her face when I tried to touch her.

I bang my fist against the tile and shut off the shower.

Her words and the stupid things I said, replay in my head.

A numbness settles in my chest, amidst all the other emotions. Disgust for myself starts to color the void, and I let myself sit in it.

Maybe I deserve this. This pain and unhappiness for being such a bastard. This is my punishment for taking life like I have.

Slipping on a tank top, I find the booze in my kitchen and take it to bed with me.

The bottle replaces Ana.

I sneer at the cruel thought and take a swig, culling out the torturous feelings.

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